We all know that if it weren't for the internet, I wouldn't have scored a date with a woman in the last four years. Some will argue that such single-minded reliance on technology for companionship is a sad testament to the alienation of the individual and the breakdown of civil society in the modern era. To these people I say: No one else has gone so far, done so much, or risen so high with so pitiful little. In the blogs to come I intend to outline some of my most objectionable forays into the world of digital dalliance. But in today's selection, I offer you my most recent exchange:
From: katriles
To: summerhead
Date: 06/17/2003 04:20PM EST
Subject: summerhead
Message: Hi there! I read your profile and was very impressed. I would love to speak to you if possible...... If you could email me back I would really appreciate it. Have a great day and I look forward to hearing from you!
From: summerhead
To: katriles
Date: 06/17/2003 06:53PM EST
Subject: hello katriles
Message:
Hello Katriles,
Thank you for writing me. I was saddened to see that your profile was blank, and not a picture to be found. As I don't have any information about you I'm feeling at a loss. Maybe you can provide some detail in response, no?
Yours,
Summer
From: katriles
To: summerhead
Date: 06/17/2003 07:01PM EST
Subject: Re: hello katriles
Message:
Summer,
I am so appreciative of your response - and so quickly too! Your profile might just not do you justice! The first bit of information about myself that I feel compelled to reveal (though fear of not receiving another response from you does hold me back a bit)is that I am actually NOT looking for myself right now but on behalf of some incredible women that I know... I can explain more if you are feeling openminded (you seem to be as you ARE on great boyfriends)and interested in meeting great women. First maybe I can invite you to an event that my company is having?? We could then meet in person and talk. On Thursday June 19th we are holding a benefit for the charity MANNA - it's called "Bring on the Bachelors" and the guys who attend have the chance to win a dinner with Gwen, Helene and Erin (picture attached) from the second episode of ABC's tv show the Bachelor - are you familiar with it? If you want to attend you can sign up at http://www.628socialnetwork.com or if you can't and just want to talk you can reach me at 610.355.9628.
Take care and I really do hope to hear from you soon!!
Kate
From: summerhead
To: katriles
Date: 06/17/2003 07:43PM EST
Subject: bated and breathy
Message:
Hi Kate,
Wow! Charities, network television and a chance to win--I don't know what kind of racket you're running, but, damn, it's a good one. I'm just afraid my poor heart won't be able to handle so much excitement on the first date! Ordinarily, raffling for single females is the best chance I have for landing a date; but do we lose in intimacy what we gain in network ratings? Oh, Kate, please assure me! I want to do the right thing--just tell me what that is!
Conflicted,
Ryan
From: katriles
To: summerhead
Date: 06/17/2003 07:48PM EST
Subject: Re: bated and breathy
Message: Ryan,
The right thing for you to do would most assuredly be to attend the charity event. A chance to perhaps win dinner out (you would be with all three women and two other lucky men) with these ladies as well as take a shot at some of the awesome silent auction items that we have to offer OR the free giveaways? There shall never be another opportunity so sweet! Please consider it... If you don't think it the best thing for you - then at least tell me that you will talk to me (or let me talk to you!!) about how we introduce people to one another over dinner at super restaurants...
Peacefully yours,
Kate
From: summerhead
To: katriles
Date: 06/17/2003 08:59PM EST
Subject: 3 girls and 3 guys? I don't like those odds.
Message:
Dear Kate,
This is the most fun I've ever had being solicited--thanks! Bearing that in mind, I recognize that this is your job: I respect your time and I don't want to monopolize it (too much). I'm sure Erin, Helen and Gwen are great (they certainly look it, don't they?), but I worry I might not live up to ABC's standard of bachelordom; I don't inline skate or anything like that.
A-ha! Well, Catherine, it appears you've been found out! You are a representative from the 6[2]8 social network--"an upscale dining and social club." Do you know the last female (she, sadly, was also the first) to proposition me online was a journalist who wanted moi for an "on-camera interview?" Why can't I meet a nice non-professional girl; or better yet a strictly unprofessional girl who won't let her work get in the way of me? But I digress. Catherine, I am not by any stretch of the imagination "upscale." I own approximately two pair of pants; my shirts are so frayed they have tentacles at the cuffs. I'm no good at clubs: I would never want to be in any club that would have someone like me for a member.
I'm sorry dear. I hope this doesn't mean we can't still be friends.
Good luck with everything!
Ryan
True to form, this little e-fling started with a bang and ended in a fizzle. Kate's average response time was about 7 minutes--at least insofar as I kept my caste position and wardrobe options to myself. It's taken her over an hour now to let me know about our friendship. I hope she's just eating dinner.
