Saturday, June 28, 2003

Six: Prostrated punditry

And so it was that I found myself in the improbable embrace of romance, dear friends, viewing war coverage in bed with a date! So what if the embrace was initially my own--a nervous reaction to doing anything in bed with a date? Surely the chances were good that someone would join me soon, and with both arms, or both legs, depending on the arrangement. If ever there was a payoff to the ease of internet dating--three months of intensive correspondence, exorbitant phone bills, and the anxiety you would be bound and kidnapped; or, even worse, that you wouldn't--this had to be it!

"It looks like we're winning the war, shminky. It's not easy though. Leon says the Iraqis aren't fighting fair."

"Did he just say they're hiding weapons instead of leaving them in the armories where they're easier to destroy?"

"I think so. They're also firing at us and then hiding behind things when we shoot back. They won't face us in the desert like men."

"They truly are a dastardly race of people. Don't they know our bombs are only there to help? Why do they have to resort to terrorism all the time, blowing themselves up hither and thither; why can't they just fight fair--with jets and tanks and naval destroyers?"

"Blowing yourself up is so passé."

"There's no bravery in it anymore. Bravery is manning the controls at a safe distance."

"Well, at least Saddam Hussein won't be flying planes into buildings ever again. Consider your pilot's license permanently revoked!"


"This only underscores our benevolence as a superpower, that we would care so deeply for the needs of these backwards people."

"I know I never cared about them until now."

"Look! Leon says we even provide medical care to the wounded, orphaned children of our enemies! I mean, we don't even do that for the wounded, orphaned children in our country!"

"We don't even do that for the healthy, non-orphaned children in our country!"

"Clearly, sudden, extreme violence will usher in a new era of liberal prosperity for these people."