President Bush's 33-minute address at the United States Army War College yesterday was received with enthusiasm by the last 28 remaining military personnel in the United States. The audience, unhindered by small arms fire and rocket propelled grenades, applauded the president's bold plan for bringing democracy to Iraq by striking the palms of their not-yet severed hands together in rapid succession.
"We are here because the president has not yet condemned us to the violent death and dismemberment which surely awaits us in Iraq," said 23-year old staff sergeant Cornelius McPhearson. "Unlike our fellow soldiers who have gone before us, we still possess the limbs and extremities necessary to applaud the president's forward march into violence."
The president's primary message, underscored by the nuanced body language afforded him by a full set of unsevered presidential limbs, was one of steadfastness in the face of adversity.
"The struggle for freedom is never easy. The dark hand of tyranny is always in tact, even when temporarily cleaved from its master. This stands in stark contrast to the human hand, which does not do so well on its own."
The president then added, snapping his fingers to rapturous applause, "I'm really glad I have both of mine."
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