Dear George: Where is the Terror that You Promised Us?

Since 9/11 George Bush has campaigned on the promise of additional terrorist attacks against US targets. He created the national color-coded alert system, which allow Americans to experience varying levels of anxiety prior to a potential attack. But strange as it may seem, the US is hardly ever attacked, unless of course we count the Bill of Rights--but that is another discussion all together. For now let us content ourselves with the idea that terrorism is not, as Donald Rumsfeld once put it, "an act which involves civilians," but instead, as I like to say, an act by swarthy foreigners of non-Christian descent, who hate us for our a). greatness; b.) freedoms; c.) global benevolence.

Terror was very much in the air this Christmas season, only not in the form of germ warfare on the streets of Philadelphia, where I had hoped to slow the gentrification of my neighborhood. Instead, it came in the form of Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge raising the national alert status to orange, "to send a message to the terrorists of goodwill and resolve." And yet New Year's came and went, and still no terrorist takers. This is not to say that terrorists aren't "everywhere," or that Al-Queda isn't quietly amassing twenty-five people to blow up something else down the line; but, really, if dying is to be my vocation in this life, I would rather take my chances on I-95 than waste my time waiting for the terrorist lottery to pay off in silver dollars. I may be something of a cynic, but I think our president holds out a bit too much faith in Al-Queda to undermine the American way of life when his own cabinet has proved themselves so much more capable in this regard.