Letting The Terrorists Win: A Plan To Keep Our Heads

I like my head. And since there is no obvious advantage to having it separated from my body, I say let the terrorists win. I realize it would set a bad precedent. Terrorist forces the world-over would rejoice. They would forever hold the mantle of being less pissed-off over the not severed heads of all Americans. They would go back to their old jobs, like being unemployed, or starving peaceably. But though we may be two nations, are not our goals one and the same? Do not the terrorists pray for the immediate return of Americans to their homes and loved ones? And do not the Americans, in turn, enjoy the full use of their heads? Then let not our differences come between us--or, for that matter, our cutlery. For it is written: "The man who sows his own crop will yield a bountiful harvest, but the man with no head should never drive a tractor..."

My countrymen are a proud people. With their pride they will never part. Unless, of course, the only alternative is their head. After all, while pride is important, a missing head can limit your home purchasing prospects dramatically. And try finding a reasonably priced apartment in Queen's Village anyway.

Some may call this defeatist, perhaps. But as Jesus once said, "let he that is without his head be the first to cast a stone..." And so I say, let America's pride be harnessed for the highest order of defeat: Don't let America lose its head!